The Summertime

So this summer has been quite the adventure and I've only just come around to opening my eyes up to everything. When I came home in May, I was literally counting down the days until I would be returning back to New York. I felt like I had run away from many things, almost like I retreated back home. I immediately began second guessing my motives and if I had made the right choice.. no, make that choices.

I certainly started the summer off huge, all but ending the relationship I had been in for the past 14 months. So much had changed about everything including myself and the outlook I then had on my life. I'm barely 20 years old. I can't even legally drink yet or set foot in a casino. And I've been in about 3 moderately serious relationships on and off for approximately 25% of my whole life. Something, somewhere, was telling me, "You need to slow shit down and look around before you continue down this road you're now on."

How dick is that, right? I mean, seriously... only us, as males, feel the need to END something because it's too good. I don't understand it myself, and yet, time and time again, I found myself confronting the fact that I cared so much about this other person and they clearly aren't having the same hard time. Compounding that is the fact that I never felt able to TALK to her about any of this for fear of hurting her. And then, there you have it- the vicious circle that I'm convinced kills most relationships with real potential.

Maybe it's the romantic in me that I never came to terms with; the guy that actually enjoys being in a relationship but is too confident externally to allow himself to depend on someone that isn't a blood relative. Maybe it is, after all, the fact that I am selfish- though I don't really buy into that as the "reason" for all- and want to "have my cake and eat it too." But now, after recent developments, I find myself questioning if I've effectively thrown it all entirely out the window and now have however many days or weeks until the alarm goes off, I wake up, and say to myself "oh sh*t what have I done."

SUCH IS LIFE- that's the response I would get now I think. I prefer my mother's own twist on the proverbial favorite:
"The wind blew, the shit flew.. You're only here for a day or two."

So, while I spent my summer trying to determine what I wanted/needed to do as far as my relationship when I returned to school with my significant other, yes, I tested the waters. For a while, I had it all- but it's funny how quickly a little change of perspective completely polarizes everything. Maybe everyone would be in a different place if I was a better communicator, maybe not. I keep saying maybe everything, but that changes nothing I suppose.

Do I regret the decisions I've made thus-far? Absolutely not. I don't regret decisions. I change the outcomes when I don't like them- and I suppose that's what makes me a Fratty Gent- a Gent that doesn't accept that which does not suit him, whether it be life choices, music choices, or sartorial choices. It's all related- everything is everything. We all just need to know when's the right time to bring it back to the planning board.





- Remember Gents, You are responsible for Your own happiness.